SAMPLE HUMOROUS INTERPRETATION CUTTING
Sarah Brashear, 2014 Nationals, Third Place in Humorous Interpretation
Marion High School, Nebraska
By Steven Wayne Koren
Characters: In order of appearance
Mary: I was born in a little town called Besamee Heights. Where I lived in the ugliest house… with the ugliest lawn… and the ugliest dog.
Now, I had a dream. And I dreamt it every hour of every day of every week. All I wanted in the whole world was… a kiss. And I didn’t want just any kiss. I wanted that big fireworks type of kiss that I saw in the movies.
Young Mary: and please, God, send me someone to make out with and tongue kiss like this… Amen.
M: But there was only one way I’d ever get what I wanted. I would have to become just like the people I saw kissing in the movies. Just as beautiful, just as talented, and just as perfect. I, Mary Katherine Gallagher, would have to become a superstar.
On average, each of us goes through at least one uncomfortable moment daily. For example, what if all of my hair fell out right now? What would you do? What would I do? Would I pick it up?! Mary Katherine Gallagher is the queen of awkward scenarios, but she hopes that her quirkiness and individuality will somehow bop her to the top. Superstar by Steven Wayne Koren.
M: It was in St. Monica’s Catholic High School that all of my dreams would come to a halt. Students there had to go to mass every day and that was fine with me because it just gave me another chance to ask the powers if I could be a star.
M: Forgive me father, for I have sinned, it has been two days since my last confession.
P: Tell me your sins, my child
M: Father, my sins would best be expressed in a monologue from the made for television movie, “Sybil”, starring a young Ms. Sally Fields as the lady with multiple personality disorder.
P: … go ahead
M: (old voice) look at you, sitting there, you’re just a little slut (Mary’s voice) I’m not a slut (spanish accent) I a-from a-Puerto Rico (old lady) We all know you’re a slut (Mary’s voice) I’m not a slut. I’m not a slut! I’m not!…. Thank you father (walks away backwards, does Superstar pose)
M: Because of this confession, some people began to think I was special. So special, they put me in a special class called Special Ed.
Father John: Please say the word “here” when I call your name, signifying that you are, in fact, in the classroom.
Melanie: Hi… I’m Melanie
Mary: Uh.. Hi
Father John: Howard Feinstein
Melanie: That’s Howard Feinstein. He goes to Catholic school, even though he is Jewish because it’s the closest in the neighborhood. Howard has problems in school because he is homophobic and thinks every guy is trying to pick him up.
Howard: Here. Owen, stop looking at me like that.
Melanie: And that’s Owen Flanagan, he has OCD and has to do everything five times.
FJ: Owen Flanagan
Owen: Here, here, here, here, here.
FJ: Maria Ganitsis
Melanie: That’s Maria who’s troubled because even though she is in a Catholic School she worships the devil.
Maria: Lucifer is laughing. Do you hear him? He knows our fate. When this illusion we call life ends, they bury us in little wooden boxes, skin rotting off our exposed bones as rats feed on us for all eternity. Here.
M: Melanie, have you ever kissed a boy?
Melanie: Owen Flanagan kissed me five times on the cheek once. Hi Owen
O: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi
M: No, not on the cheek
Melanie: You mean tongue with saliva?
Melanie: Who do you want to kiss? Out with it!
M: Sky Corrigan
Sky: Johnny, looking good. What’s up, Lewis? Debbie, shaved your legs. Larry, like the belt. Tom, sorry your dad’s dead. Dina, nice nail polish!
Melanie: Hold the phone! Wake up call! Beeper vibration! Sky’s going out with Evian. If you want
to tongue wrestle, be realistic. But if it does ever happen, I heard that it helps to spell the alphabet with your tongue
M: I’ll keep that in mind (walks away does side kick pose)
Mary: But no matter how bad school was, I still had musical auditions to look forward to.
Mary: Evian was the first to audition.
Evian: Don’t make me sing…I don’t wanna go first, nobody ever wants to go first…Alright hit it! (begin to snap and hum All That Jazz)
M: (All that Jazz and snaps) She was the prettiest, most popular, and most bulimic girl in school.
Evian: I was great, wasn’t I? I’m so good, I know. Thank you all so much.
Melanie: How’d it go?
M: I didn‘t get it.
Evian: Hi, Mary. Sorry you didn’t make it. But as you know, I like to do all I can to help those who are challenged, so, a word of advice. Don’t say “Superstar” anymore, cause everyone else is just going to say you “Supersuck”. No offense. I have to go jog for Glaucoma now.
Sky: Hey Mary, just wanted to say, saw your audition, and even though you didn’t make it, I think you have some really nice moves.
Melanie: Oh my sweet God! Mary I’m just so freaking excited! Look at the sign they just put up!
Catholic Teen Magazine is sponsoring a fight herpes dance-a-thon at our school. And the winners get a free trip to Hollywood and the chance to be an extra in a movie with positive moral values. All you have to do to enter the contest is find a dance partner.
Mary: Dance Partner (framing face pose)
Mary: The moment I saw the sign, I knew this could be my chance to make all my dreams come true.
Melanie: (puts towel on) Oh my sweet God. Sky and Evian broke up!
M: (puts towel on) What?
Melanie: (begins to apply deodorant) Apparently, It happened last night at the game. She lost it and threw her diet Mountain Dew on him to get his attention. He was like.. “What did you do that for?” and Evian’s passive aggressive, so she said, “Just forget it” because she was going to the bathroom anyway to puke up some popcorn. And he said, “No, I’m not going to forget it.” Then he broke up with her.
M: Oh poor Evian
Melanie: and lucky you. Okay here’s the plan. We get you and Sky to be partners in the dance-a-thon. You are a modern woman. Screw tradition and just ask Sky yourself. Sorry, I said “screw.”
M: (deodorant) What if he says no?
Melanie: Then you’re still strong and independent.
Sky: Mel, Mary. Freshly showered. I like it.
M: You’re umm.. clean too.
Melanie: Mary’s going to dance in the herpes-a-thon
M: Forget it. He doesn’t care.
Melanie: Are you kidding? He noticed that you showered! That means he was looking at your body, which means he thinks you’re doable, so he basically asked you to sleep with him!
Melanie: Trust me. Guys ask me to sleep with them all the time. Now, my family’s got group weight watchers. See ya!
M: Later, alligator.
M: I’m here to sign up for the Dance-a-thon.
Evian: You can’t be in the Dance-a-thon.
M: Why not?
Evian: Cause you’ll embarrass yourself
M: No I won’t.
E: You know why your parents died, Mary? Because you’re such an embarrassment, they couldn’t even bare to live.
M: Well, Evian… your parents named you after bottled water!
Father Ritley: Ladies. There’s no reason Mary can’t be in the dance-a-thon.
Evian: You are so dead.
M: Go drink a bottle of yourself.
FR: Evian, you’re dismissed. Ms. Gallagher, the last time you were here, you destroyed the scenery for Father Mazer’s theatre class, right?
M: I got excited and…
FR: And before that you told the nurse you were pregnant with Satan’s child?
M: I thought I was.
FR: And before that you told Sister Eileen to move her big white butt or you would scissor kick
M: I had just watched some movies.
FR: The list goes on and on. How do you explain this behavior? Tell me, please.
M: My explanation for this behavior would best be expressed through a monologue from the movie, “Portrait of a Teenage Centerfold” starring Ms. Lori Singer from Footloose.
FR: Well.. if you must.
M: I excites me Daddy. That’s why I did it. I like it when a man looks at me. I feel special, cause
it’s all me, Daddy…(unbuttons shirt) Go ahead and look, I love it! Look! Look!
FR: Mary! Stop! You can be in the dance-a-thon, just no more of these shenanigans.
M: Thank you, Father. (strike a pose)
Father John: Now, remember, this is a dance marathon. There’s no time limit. The winner is the last couple still standing. So, have fun, shake your tail feathers and confess tomorrow. It’s time to boogie!
Evian: I’m so glad we’re back together Sky.
Sky: I’m only doing this because you said you would kill yourself.
(Sky and Mary begin dancing, Evian is PISSED)
Father John: And the winners of Catholic Teen Magazine’s free trip to Hollywood and chance to be an extra in a movie with positive moral values are Mary Katherine Gallagher and Sky- Oh. I’m sorry. In accordance with the idea of fighting Herpes, no dancer is allowed to change partners. And, since Mary left her partner first, the winners by default are Evian Graham and Mary Catherine Gallagher. Congratulations.